a sense of self

here i am again. 

oh how life is full of cycles and how ironic is it to find myself in a similar, yet vastly different place with myself.

due to recent events (read: crisis) in my life, i have found myself feeling quite alone, and it may be for a better while people/things calm down.

even after all these years, i still struggle very much with having a strong sense of self. yes, my race, gender, roles as daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, job, spiritual beliefs form 'me', but they also not in themselves define 'me'. these certainly do affect the way i view myself, and have influenced the way i think about myself and the world before me. it actually hurts my head thinking about how all these identities co-exist with each other, and i do not think that they can perfectly co-exist. this explains why different people have different experiences with me, depending on the role i play for/toward them.

my lack of hobbies never really bothered me growing up. but it is bothering me a lot now as an adult. i feel a certain pressure to spend my time outside of my work and other commitments meaningfully, doing things i enjoy doing. besides pilates, baking and reading, i cannot think of anything i genuinely enjoy doing. but i am determined to find some hobbies, because i believe they will make me a more interesting person, help me with my social anxieties and open up new topics of conversation i can have with people. that said, i wish to discover and engage in hobbies that involve more than just myself and would allow me to meet new people.

to new hobbies and friends.