patterns of disaster

paralysed. 

I feel paralysed.

Emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I feel stuck in every sense of the word. I feel like I am unable to feel the loss, sadness and frustration I think I feel because my mind prohibits me. Stupid coping mechanisms. I am broken, tuned to act only in ways that I think please the ones around me, which more often than not are ways that hurt myself. My frustrations and pain are at most only understood superficially by the ones around me, if at all.

My family is broken. Yet I want them back. I want to at least pretend that I have parents who love me, siblings who care for me. The truth is too unacceptable and my old ways of running back to those who hurt me haunt me daily. I asked my psychologist 'what if I find myself not wanting to forgive them one day?' 'you shouldn't want to forgive them. if you feel an urge to forgive them, it won't be from you, it will be by the grace of God'. Deep down I know the feeling is from me, and I am scared because I have not been able to stop it. I'm messed up. Can I be fixed? I don't know.

My relationship. I feel so bad for doubting everything, when I know I shouldn't. I hurt myself in small ways to distract myself from bad thoughts. Why can't I accept and be happy for their friendship? Why can't I be happy to be excluded? Why can't I accept that I'm not as nice to talk to? Why can't I accept not being the only close female in his life? Why can't I accept him having a new female best friend? Why do I keep having to anger him? Why do I ask questions that anger him? How am I meant to feel when I tells me that me befriending her makes him feel like I'm stealing her away from him? 

Why can't I leave if I am unable to accept that he won't change just because I have a problem with it?

I have never thought about using pain to distract myself until this year. I am uncomfortable with who I am and everyday is a battle against self-loathing. I try to hide it because it makes him feel inadequate, although it's not about him. I don't know how to communicate that. It usually comes out wrong and we get into a big argument. The pattern of avoiding acting a certain way, or refraining from saying or asking certain things is apparent again. Just like how I was with my family. And it scares me so much. When will I ever feel safe enough and be able to accurately express all these complex thoughts and feelings?

I desperately need help,