Sinking Deep

 the past few weeks have felt like a whirlwind and i don't feel like i am the same person i was before.

life feels like it's pressing me on multiple angles and i feel like i am slowly suffocating and losing my mind. 

first, there's the cheating with sam, whom i have loved and given so much to in the last two years, and who now, even when exposed, displays the least amount of remorse and concerningly, and disturbingly, seems to want things to go back to what they were, i.e. him continuing to see both of us. bsf spoke about how the seeds of sin eventually grow into weeds of depravity. scarily, i see that depravity in sam. it feels surreal that i put so much of my trust in someone so depraved, and i continue to want a relationship with him. i only pray that God protects me and helps me to have the wisdom and courage to see reality for what it is and make the right decisions. it truly is an awful situation and my mental health has really been suffering.

second, there's family. mum is here visiting while dad's health deteriorates. two days ago, over lunch, mum asked pet and i if we would go back to singapore, to look after dad, if his condition gets to a point where he needs to be taken care of. i know that moving back will be difficult, but not impossible, but i still don't want to because life is here now. i feel guilty and selfish for thinking this way, and wish for a way that we can be together in australia. i will continue to pray about this, and know that God has a plan for us.

third, there's the whole situation with daniel. the relationship ended in flames and in a big mess that still continues today. it really is a challenge to feel so uncomfortable everytime i see him at church, with cecilia, and our non-communication hurts because he was my best friend for a long time. i know it hurts for him too, and i made the decision to end things between us. i still wonder why God allowed the relationship to happen and to end like it did, but i don't know if that will ever be revealed to me in this life time, so i am trying to accept and make peace with it. to trust that God is still sovereign and i need not worry about anything.

clearly, life is looking quite bleak at the moment and i am quite sure i am going through a depressive episode. through it all, i am thankful that God has not let me have any thoughts about ending my life, and that He reminds me of how precious i am to him and to the few friends i have around me. every day feels like a big struggle, but with God on my side, i know that there is nothing too big that He won't be able to help me through. 

this really is one of the darkest valleys in my life thus far, and i am really glad that i am not alone.