rainy, winter days can make everything feel heavier, and today is one of those days. i've been feeling unsettled and on-edge for most of this week, anxious what the ending of a six year relationship, and the potential of a new one, which may or may not happen. everything feels messy, and i seem to have orchestrated this mess. surely, a woman on the cusp of turning 30, should be more mature than this?
sometimes i feel like i was more mature in my teenage-hood than i am now. i'm doing things i'd never thought i'd do - things i thought (and possibly still think but on the surface denying) are unwise and would not do me good at the end of the day, but here i am. life keeps moving, and this season has been an interesting one. i don't know where all this will lead, or what life will look like in the next few months, and that uncertainty is eating at me, but i'm trying to not let it.
i think the thing i fear most right now is losing a friend i've grown so close to in the past year. perhaps too close, but close nonetheless. he's been a big part of my life, and for obvious reasons it would be painful to lose him in the capacity of a friend, at the very least. i remind myself that these things aren't in my control, and that i'll be ok no matter what happens, although there might be pain, tears and a deep sense of loss, i know i'll live.
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