"come here"

it's already month 2 out of 12 of yet another year. when you think the year's just starting, it's actually starting to end. i am trying very hard to be intentionally appreciative of every day, seeing that moments are so fleeting.

sometimes i beat myself up for who i've chosen to be, and how i choose to act and react. for me, i choose to stay on the safer side of things, a little more than hesitant to experiment with things people my age are doing (clubbing/drinking) and i have been very intentional with my personal vocabulary, deliberately excluding swear words in all my conversations. i try to live closely to my faith, but past couple of years has been the hardest in my life so far, when the majority of people around me don't share the same views. with these choices, i've made a person; i've made me, me. personalities are very important, especially now that people (boys) are getting smarter, and bad personalities of pretty girls can deter them away. i know people see me as the 'good girl' and some may say i am 'too safe'. these are what i beat myself up over...however, in the past week, i've read two posts on the internet that has changed my views to: what's so bad about being called those - it is ultimately my goal and God's will for people to see God in me, through the things I choose to say, do and act. It was a long time ago, but I remember praying to God to use me, and that's exactly what He's doing.

the problem is that people tend to associate these labels with negative connotations, and it's only fair for them to do so as we learn from our past. children get scolded by their parents for swearing, and doing it now is an act of rebellion (and proof of 'bravery'), doing otherwise would make you seem cowardly. this is the kind of negative connotations i had mentioned, and it all stems from past experiences that have molded our thinking today. that is why i think i am brave for choosing not to swear. there are several words in the dictionary that i can use to convey my emotions (whichever), and none of them are inappropriate.

my choices have definitely affected the course of life, putting some sort of invisible barrier of awkwardness between me and certain people whose choice of personalities are on the other side of the spectrum. i guess, it is for the better, and this is God's way of making me go in the right direction, but it really sucks when you have so many mutual friends with people whom you can't connect with. it's a little messy to think about, but the bottom line is that i sometimes feel lonely when i'm with my friends, who are also with their friends. i guess i have much to learn about letting loose a little, trusting myself to have fun without going over limits, and staying grounded while i socialize.