Exhausted

Just the other day, while in the car with my father, we heard on the radio "So fathers, go home and tell your daughter you love them, or they'll run into the arms of the first man who tells them that". That moment was followed by a long, dreary silence.


That led to me thinking about several events of my life, and wondering if it stems from the lack of a fatherly figure in my life. You have your merits as the man of the house, but that's different from a man who is my father; the former is one of great authority, which you evidently have, and the latter is a man that is loving, a role model, a doting parent. There are instances where you love through your actions, and I get that all your intentions are good, but there have been several misunderstandings between us that I'm quite sure you're not aware about. I did not correct you at those times because of our difficulty in understanding each other, literally. It puts the both of us off, and we lose the face-to-face communication which I have with pretty much everybody else.

There are also instances where you have hurt me without knowing. Or perhaps you know. But I would like to think you didn't because then, why would you want to hurt me? All these things you tell me followed by a cold, dark laughter which lingers, have affected me greatly. But I hide well. Or so I think. I get that we used to have something special, that you didn't have with my sisters, but that was eons ago, and I have grown up and, we, apart. I don't know if I should take you seriously when you tell me you're going to die, and but I do, and in all honesty, I don't know how to handle that as a 16-year-old teenager. I don't know how to handle it when you tell me we're going to go bankrupt. But this I know, that it keeps me up at night and makes me cry.

I have been having so much trouble thinking about where to go next year. There have been so many factors to consider and even staying here might not be the best thing to do since you said that you didn't want to take care of me anymore. I get that I am troublesome to handle, but I think that that was a bit harsh. But it's alright, I get that you don't mean it that way.