Resentment

It's been awhile. (but no one reads this space anyway)

I'm currently home alone with absolutely nothing to do, but I guess none of my family members want me around them either. I've never felt this bored, but I'm not entirely bored because my mind is preoccupied with a tonne of things, weighing me down like never before.

Thinking about the coming year sends me panicking. There are so many options, but actually, there aren't so many afterall. My parents gave me the choice of going overseas to live and study with my elder sister (whom I'm not completely comfortable living alone with), and so I decided to stay here. That decision also considered other factors, like my unreadiness to leave this country yet, and the social circle I have here (ok not much but there are certain people). And so, after almost 10 months of thinking about it, and the past 2 weeks of deeper thinking, I've reached the conclusion that I'm not ready to leave Singapore right now, and I want to go to a JC next year. I know my parents want the best for me and all that, and I know that they have their own limitations, but my mother told me just now "if you stay here, we won't be paying for any of your tuition". Tuition, to 99% of Singaporean students in the country's education system is an essential to pass/do well enough to progress forward. They're like forcing me to go overseas, because I  "won't need tuition there".  I can't help but feel disgust and resent at their hypocrisy. I've also come to a realisation that I'm very resentful towards a lot of issues and people, but this resentment stays within my cranium and brain, only a bit gets let out to the people I trust, sometimes. Right now, I don't even know what to do, but hope that my results would put me in a good school, with good enough teachers that would enable me not to need tuition (o.ooooo1% chance). Or, I'd have to toil next year by working part-time, to pay for my own tuition. Jehovah Jireh.

Last night during service, the pastor talked about BGRs/BBRs/GGRs.It was an amazing sermon, an eye-opening experience.  One thing he said really struck me though. He said that our hearts, which in greek is Cardia, means the giver of life. However, in modern day, when doctors pronounce someone dead, it's because he's brain-dead, which implies that now, our brain is the giver of life. And our brains are deceitful because God lives in our hearts, not our brains , which means we tend to lead deceitful/ungodly lives in this century, because we listen to what our brains tell us to do, since our brains are the organ that control the rest of our bodies. Food for thought?

I really just hope everything pans out to be okay, and that I'd be able to be strong  enough to accept the things I cannot change, and change the things within my limits.

It's crazy how I sometimes feel so blessed and undeserving of certain things, and other times I feel so resentful and that life is just unfair. Tension of opposites, is what makes life up. It's like not being able to wait to finish exams and leave school, but at the same time not wanting to leave school. (example from Tuesdays With Morrie , Mitch Albom. Eye-opening book.)

Jehovah Jireh, I say again.