Lines

I have a problem with being 100% honest about anything, with anyone, even myself. It's as if I'm scared to attain the knowledge of the whole truth, and this fear leads me to lying to myself, and being delusional. It's weird, and bad, and I think it's become a bad habit. I can't seem to get myself out of this repetitive cycle, that whenever I find out I'm not as good as I think I am, or when I find out something isn't going the way I planned, I just think 'on the brighter side', but in actual fact, I'm actually just being delusional. There's a fine line between being hopeful, and being delusional. I've crossed that line one too many times.

That's not the only line I've crossed. I've crossed many, many lines. Sometimes, I really wonder why I've made all those bad decisions, thought all those bad thoughts and gave in into those bad feelings and made things happen when they weren't meant to be. It scares me to think of the future, of how many more lines I'd be crossing in my life on this earth, and how many more people I'd be hurting. Every new person I meet, I try to like them, and if I do get closer to them, I pray I don't hurt them, but I often do, and maybe that explains why I'm so reluctant to meet new people and invite them into my circle of friends.

I need to find a way to break this cycle, for it one that is repetitive and exhausting. I'm tired, and I don't think I can truly be happy with myself, unless I find an exit.